Just As You Are, My Love

After my recent reflections on feeding my own sheep, a few people have asked a practical question:

How do I actually do that?

How do I actually feed the sheep within?

One of the most helpful practices I've found comes from my friend and expert coach Peter Will Benjamin.

Peter created a relational practice called Relational Interplay. It can be done with another person, and it can also be done internally with our own emotions and parts. When practiced internally, I sometimes think of it as Internal Interplay.

Of all the approaches I've encountered in fourteen years as a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, this has become one of the simplest and most effective ways I've found to process emotions.

The practice itself is remarkably simple.

I begin by noticing what is happening inside.

Perhaps I feel afraid.

I simply acknowledge it.

"I feel afraid."

Then I reflect it back to myself with compassion:

"You feel afraid."

Then I listen.

Perhaps the next thing I notice is still fear.

"I feel afraid."

"You feel afraid."

Or perhaps something new appears.

"I feel sad."

"You feel sad."

Next, perhaps sadness gives way to anger.

"I feel angry."

"You feel angry."

Or perhaps shame appears.

"I feel ashamed."

"You feel ashamed."

And maybe another part immediately responds:

"I don't want to feel shame."

So I reflect that too.

"You don't want to feel shame."

"You are resisting the shame."

"Oh, I'm resisting the shame."

"You're resisting the shame."

Perhaps even a thought arises.

"I'm bad."

I reflect that.

"You think you're bad."

Then I listen again.

And again.

Each time simply listening and reflecting what is actually here.

Not correcting it.

Not arguing with it.

Not explaining it.

Not trying to make it go away.

Just acknowledging it exactly as it is.

What I've found is that when emotions are felt and acknowledged just as they are, they begin to move.

Not because I am forcing the emotion to change.

But because the emotion, or part, finally feels heard.

When a feeling is fully acknowledged, it often relaxes enough for the next feeling to emerge.

For example, numbness becomes anger.

Anger becomes fear.

Fear becomes grief.

Grief becomes relief.

The emotion does not have to change.

But when it is welcomed exactly as it is, I find it often does.

And at the end of a wave of emotions processed in this way, I often find a profound peace and equanimity with whatever emotions remain.

One of my favorite spiritual teachers, the late Annalisa Adelberg, would often say something during healing sessions that has stayed with me for years:

"Just as you are, my love."

I've come to realize that these words capture the spirit of the entire practice.

The reflection itself is not what heals.

The words themselves are not what heal.

What heals is the quality of relationship.

Annalisa often said that much of our trauma occurs in relationship, and therefore much of our healing happens in relationship as well.

Practices like Interplay, Authentic Relating, Internal Family Systems, and other forms of experiential therapy all create opportunities for healing through relationship.

What I love about Internal Family Systems and Internal Interplay is that they help restore a secure relationship with ourselves, which I have found quickly carries over to external relationships as well.

The attitude.

The love.

The feeling of:

"I see you."

"I hear you."

"You are welcome here."

"Just as you are, my love."

When fear arises:

Just as you are, my love.

When sadness arises:

Just as you are, my love.

When anger arises:

Just as you are, my love.

When shame arises:

Just as you are, my love.

When resistance arises:

Just as you are, my love.

The feeling doesn't need to become something else before it is worthy of love.

It doesn't need to be understood before it is welcome.

In fact, I've found that understanding is often less important than relationship.

Relationship before explanation.

Presence before problem-solving.

Love before fixing.

And perhaps most fundamentally:

Peace before understanding.

Understanding may come.

But peace does not have to wait.

What surprises me most is where this practice tends to lead.

People often ask where joy comes from.

For much of my life, I assumed joy came from getting rid of difficult emotions.

Getting rid of fear.

Getting rid of sadness.

Getting rid of anxiety.

Getting rid of anger.

My experience has been almost the opposite.

What I've found is that joy begins with peace.

The moment I stop fighting what is here, there is peace.

As I continue welcoming what is here, peace naturally deepens into love.

And from that love, joy begins to emerge.

Not because the difficult emotions have disappeared.

But because they are welcome.

And when I choose to take action from a place of peace, love, and joy, I find that action tends to be far more powerful than action driven by fear or resistance.

Joe Hudson has a beautiful way of describing this:

"Joy is the matriarch of all emotions. She doesn't go anywhere her children aren't welcome."

I love that metaphor.

Joy is not the reward for eliminating fear, sadness, anger, and other emotions.

Joy appears when all of them are welcome.

When fear is welcome.

When sadness is welcome.

When anger is welcome.

When shame is welcome.

When uncertainty is welcome.

When every child has a seat at the table.

Then joy comes home.

At a workshop my friend Sid Friedman and I facilitated last week on walking together through life's difficulties, participants practiced this exercise with one another and then internally with themselves. What struck me was how naturally people softened when they were reflected and felt truly heard—both by another person and by themselves.

For me, this is what feeding my sheep often looks like.

Meeting what is here with peace.

Holding it in love.

And discovering that joy was never far away.

If this resonates with you and you'd like support in meeting yourself and others with greater peace, presence, compassion, and connection, feel free to reach out for a free introductory conversation at ifspsychiatrist.com.

Peace be with you.